Mountain roads

 July 2012

My life is, has always been, a balance between all the elements, feelings, sensations that make the stuff of life.

To me it's exhilarating, it's like walking on a cliff edge, being totally confident, daring and feeling so alive; but at the same time, being totally scared and paralyzed if glancing at the void around.

When my son died, it was like an earthquake that destroyed that delicate balance.

My husband collapsed at once, at the first minute. I reacted differently. I knew I was dramatically damaged inside but I managed to hold and support him until I felt he was strong enough again to support me. Then only, I collapsed. My family doctor told me I couldn't “spare” the depression. It came as dreaded but expected.

It was like entering a tunnel. At the beginning I could still feel the light behind my back and then it grew darker and darker. I couldn't hold on to anything, the tunnel floor and walls had disappeared, leaving only the thickest darkness. I could sometimes feel a stone under my feet but it would collapse.

During that time, I forced myself to make an appointment everyday, just to be sure I'd wake up and get dressed... At the same time, I also spent some of the days and most of the nights lost in that darkness. That's how I found myself surfing the Internet during sleepless nights.

Despite all what happened, I still regard my life as happy.

It’s now like traveling on one of our mountain roads. The road is carved on the side of a cliff, sometimes I have to bend to glance at the sky. Sometimes it runs across some open landscapes. I don’t know what’s around the next curve. I will encounter more tunnels ahead, darkness will come back, sometimes it’ll be just gray, sometimes it'll be really thick and black...There is a way out, even if it's hard to find.

 Anyway, I have no choice, there is no coming back or turning around...